Let’s face it – the truth can be unbearably painful sometimes; whether it be a minor truth or a startling truth. Something that we’ve known for some time yet we simply haven’t acted on it. An external truth – do we need to leave a career that doesn’t serve us? A relationship that has well and truly expired its use by date or are we holding onto friendships that don’t yield us any further growth, that aren’t healthy for us? An internal truth – are we misleading ourselves, are we not seeing our worth, are we not committing to an idea out of fear of failure or are we holding off a decision in fear of the outcome, the inevitable? Surely it will happen anyway – at some point, we get to the breaking point of this intangible truth – and we must move with it.
Then it brings me to the next part – is the truth unbearable more so or is it the pain of suppressing the truth? We all know that saying, “The truth shall set you free”, so what is the actual painful part? Is it the truth itself? Or is it, the fact that we stall, we stagnate and we just don’t simply act on our truth? That we just suppress it?
Ignorance is bliss, but is it really?
It varies for everyone – there is no right or wrong, I merely wanted to surface the thought of this. In moments throughout my life where I have felt truth, my body would have this sense of ease over it, like I had listened to an opening and taken note of it; then if I were to suppress this truth, it lodged heavily into me, as if I had attempted to ignore its beauty and the truth fought back. A discontent would follow, as if I went back on my word.
I can recall moments of being in jobs that didn’t serve me, that I well and truly knew were not right for me – a moment of liberation towards that truth. It felt freeing and as though I had honoured some sort of place in me, like I listened to a true piece of myself. Although, as we humanly do, there were moments of doubt. I suppressed this feeling – I stayed in situations that weren’t healthy for me; being a particular job, relationship or continued a friendship that wasn’t serving me – the feeling overwhelming, yet I were too attached to the situation – I couldn’t face my truth.
So, as we do, we fumble along, carrying this beautiful truth – not acknowledging its essence and the beauty possibly installed for us. For years, I stalled. I stalled a job I had outgrown due to the fear of the truth. It wasn’t until I would arrive at work every day wiping tears from my face after talking to my best friend on ‘I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this to myself’, that I realised I really had to make a choice – it was making me physically ill. The truth wasn’t making me ill, but the suppression of not acting on that truth were.
Suppression. Let’s just take a moment to feel into that. What does it feel like to you? How does it make you feel? I feel, it is important to become familiar with that within yourself. Now, of course, there are moments suppression is completely necessary in aspects of our lives. We needn’t run up to people and blurt out our huge life changes in haste, nor do we need to go around being overwhelmingly emotional in situations; we must remain somewhat level and with our dignity intact. However, there are parts of our lives where suppression is not healthy at all and where emotions are concerned, well, at some point, these emotions need to be released from the vessel, that vessel, is your body. These emotions need an outlet in a safe, private therapeutic space.
How do we go about releasing these emotions? Where do we start? How about now? Because, when are we ever truly ready? I embarked on this journey from a young age, of wanting to understand myself at deeper levels. I had many fears growing up! MANY. Fear of the dark, fear of deep water, fear of being alone, fear of being told off, fear of my own damn shadow I am pretty sure! But one thing I knew, from quite a young age, was to face these fears.
It took some time, a few I am working on, maybe there are more to come – the pit is endless, but one thing I knew was I had to begin that journey. I have gotten through some too. Fear of sleeping in the dark? Done. Done that so well, that I actually need to sleep in the dark for a good night’s sleep... how’s that for conquering a fear?! Fear of deep water? Confidently jumped off boats in Croatia into almost the deepest, darkest blue you could imagine. Fear of being alone? I purposely carved out scenarios for myself where I were to be challenged of being alone. Whether it being travelling solo, taking time out from being in relationships, camping alone or going into the wilderness alone to purely be with my soul. What I came to realise during this ‘alone’ time, was that wasn’t so much a fear of being alone; it was more a fear of being left alone with my own thoughts and feelings. This was when I knew I had a bit more to do. What were these feelings and thoughts that were triggering me and why did I not want to sit with them?
The truth – the trigger.
I had to do therapy. A wonderful thing. I never even saw it as a bad thing – it was only a bad thing if I felt I weren’t progressing and I can tell you I did many, many different therapies. I only ever saw therapy as a way of bettering myself, of dealing with things head on – I never saw it in a light of being helpless or victimising for doing so – in fact, it made me feel quite empowered knowing I was stepping into more of who I truly was and taking control of my life.
So, what has all this got to do with the pain of the truth vs the pain of the suppression of the truth? Well, it all lays in where your triggers are. Through facing the hurdles that weren’t allowing me to step into my truths, I have found, that I am actually stronger at stepping into my truths – the truths weren’t my issue, it were the triggers, the emotions halting me from taking the step over the truth and into it.
Prior, I would have stayed in things that were truly not for me – because there were those hurdle trigger points that avoid us from stepping into our truths. Those trigger points can vary for us all, it may not even be something you will ever consciously understand, but through the sessions I undertook, the fact that I gave myself a chance for change – it allowed a shift. I am not saying that life is now breeze, but I am certainly able to address a situation with a more grounded mindset as opposed to stagnating out of fear from an underlying trigger. Why? Because I worked at the root of my trigger. I didn’t want to dance around it anymore, I didn’t want to make excuses, I didn’t want to suppress it by ignoring it, by layering anything over it – it needed the attention it was asking for. It needed to be acknowledged and released.
I can say, for myself, it wasn’t the truth that were the issue – it was the suppression of my truth. There is divine timing with things, yes, but us human beings also have a wonderful gift called freewill, which we can decide in any moment to take a chance for change or to remain where we are. I choose to be upfront with myself, this isn’t everyone’s forte. It can be challenging, it can be painful, it can upheave a lot, it can cause rifts, it can cause uncomfortable conversations – but the rawness of truth is always appreciated, both by another and most importantly by your dear inner self.
Beauty beyond truth
Once we begin to step into truth, life unfolds in ways we couldn’t imagine. I know, because I can speak from my own experience. It will vary for us all. My path won’t be the same as yours and yours will not be anything like mine. Our paths are tainted by our own soul’s learnings and lessons. We come here to relearn ourselves to some extent, nothing is given to us that we cannot handle, even if it may seem absolutely painstakingly horrible and hard sometimes, there is always beauty in the darkness if we hold our heart for a moment and unravel what sits before us.
In my eyes, as I always say, no one is ever too far gone. It is in your willingness to travel within to these parts of yourself that will yield more growth than you could ever fathom. The issue is casting the mind aside for one moment and sitting with self. We rarely give ourselves a chance to let ourselves breathe let alone venture into the depths of who we are – I, myself, have been afraid at times too, but what I have realised is, the more I gave my breath a chance to go deeper into my heart and into my body, I began to find many other beautiful aspects of myself. The fear, merely an illusion, merely trapped parts of light that I had left behind in moments of despair.
I say, trust your journey, be willing, be kind and hold heart. Give yourself a chance, nothing is out of our reach if we are willing to turn inwards to ourselves and just simply, be. I hold hope and faith in every person I see and maybe that is all we need sometimes, when we cannot hold the torch ourselves, someone can assist in reigniting it for us, so we may begin to find our way home again.