Is it the pain of the truth or the pain of its suppression?

Let’s face it – the truth can be unbearably painful sometimes; whether it be a minor truth or a startling truth. Something that we’ve known for some time yet we simply haven’t acted on it. An external truth – do we need to leave a career that doesn’t serve us? A relationship that has well and truly expired its use by date or are we holding onto friendships that don’t yield us any further growth, that aren’t healthy for us? An internal truth – are we misleading ourselves, are we not seeing our worth, are we not committing to an idea out of fear of failure or are we holding off a decision in fear of the outcome, the inevitable? Surely it will happen anyway – at some point, we get to the breaking point of this intangible truth – and we must move with it.

Then it brings me to the next part – is the truth unbearable more so or is it the pain of suppressing the truth? We all know that saying, “The truth shall set you free”, so what is the actual painful part? Is it the truth itself? Or is it, the fact that we stall, we stagnate and we just don’t simply act on our truth? That we just suppress it?

Ignorance is bliss, but is it really?

It varies for everyone – there is no right or wrong, I merely wanted to surface the thought of this. In moments throughout my life where I have felt truth, my body would have this sense of ease over it, like I had listened to an opening and taken note of it; then if I were to suppress this truth, it lodged heavily into me, as if I had attempted to ignore its beauty and the truth fought back. A discontent would follow, as if I went back on my word.

I can recall moments of being in jobs that didn’t serve me, that I well and truly knew were not right for me – a moment of liberation towards that truth. It felt freeing and as though I had honoured some sort of place in me, like I listened to a true piece of myself. Although, as we humanly do, there were moments of doubt. I suppressed this feeling – I stayed in situations that weren’t healthy for me; being a particular job, relationship or continued a friendship that wasn’t serving me – the feeling overwhelming, yet I were too attached to the situation – I couldn’t face my truth.

So, as we do, we fumble along, carrying this beautiful truth – not acknowledging its essence and the beauty possibly installed for us. For years, I stalled. I stalled a job I had outgrown due to the fear of the truth. It wasn’t until I would arrive at work every day wiping tears from my face after talking to my best friend on ‘I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this to myself’, that I realised I really had to make a choice – it was making me physically ill. The truth wasn’t making me ill, but the suppression of not acting on that truth were.

Suppression. Let’s just take a moment to feel into that. What does it feel like to you? How does it make you feel? I feel, it is important to become familiar with that within yourself. Now, of course, there are moments suppression is completely necessary in aspects of our lives. We needn’t run up to people and blurt out our huge life changes in haste, nor do we need to go around being overwhelmingly emotional in situations; we must remain somewhat level and with our dignity intact. However, there are parts of our lives where suppression is not healthy at all and where emotions are concerned, well, at some point, these emotions need to be released from the vessel, that vessel, is your body. These emotions need an outlet in a safe, private therapeutic space.

Release it.

How do we go about releasing these emotions? Where do we start? How about now? Because, when are we ever truly ready? I embarked on this journey from a young age, of wanting to understand myself at deeper levels. I had many fears growing up! MANY. Fear of the dark, fear of deep water, fear of being alone, fear of being told off, fear of my own damn shadow I am pretty sure! But one thing I knew, from quite a young age, was to face these fears.

It took some time, a few I am working on, maybe there are more to come – the pit is endless, but one thing I knew was I had to begin that journey. I have gotten through some too. Fear of sleeping in the dark? Done. Done that so well, that I actually need to sleep in the dark for a good night’s sleep... how’s that for conquering a fear?! Fear of deep water? Confidently jumped off boats in Croatia into almost the deepest, darkest blue you could imagine. Fear of being alone? I purposely carved out scenarios for myself where I were to be challenged of being alone. Whether it being travelling solo, taking time out from being in relationships, camping alone or going into the wilderness alone to purely be with my soul. What I came to realise during this ‘alone’ time, was that wasn’t so much a fear of being alone; it was more a fear of being left alone with my own thoughts and feelings. This was when I knew I had a bit more to do. What were these feelings and thoughts that were triggering me and why did I not want to sit with them?

The truth – the trigger.

I had to do therapy. A wonderful thing. I never even saw it as a bad thing – it was only a bad thing if I felt I weren’t progressing and I can tell you I did many, many different therapies. I only ever saw therapy as a way of bettering myself, of dealing with things head on – I never saw it in a light of being helpless or victimising for doing so – in fact, it made me feel quite empowered knowing I was stepping into more of who I truly was and taking control of my life.

So, what has all this got to do with the pain of the truth vs the pain of the suppression of the truth? Well, it all lays in where your triggers are. Through facing the hurdles that weren’t allowing me to step into my truths, I have found, that I am actually stronger at stepping into my truths – the truths weren’t my issue, it were the triggers, the emotions halting me from taking the step over the truth and into it.

Prior, I would have stayed in things that were truly not for me – because there were those hurdle trigger points that avoid us from stepping into our truths. Those trigger points can vary for us all, it may not even be something you will ever consciously understand, but through the sessions I undertook, the fact that I gave myself a chance for change – it allowed a shift. I am not saying that life is now breeze, but I am certainly able to address a situation with a more grounded mindset as opposed to stagnating out of fear from an underlying trigger. Why? Because I worked at the root of my trigger. I didn’t want to dance around it anymore, I didn’t want to make excuses, I didn’t want to suppress it by ignoring it, by layering anything over it – it needed the attention it was asking for. It needed to be acknowledged and released.

I can say, for myself, it wasn’t the truth that were the issue – it was the suppression of my truth. There is divine timing with things, yes, but us human beings also have a wonderful gift called freewill, which we can decide in any moment to take a chance for change or to remain where we are. I choose to be upfront with myself, this isn’t everyone’s forte. It can be challenging, it can be painful, it can upheave a lot, it can cause rifts, it can cause uncomfortable conversations – but the rawness of truth is always appreciated, both by another and most importantly by your dear inner self.

Beauty beyond truth

Once we begin to step into truth, life unfolds in ways we couldn’t imagine. I know, because I can speak from my own experience. It will vary for us all. My path won’t be the same as yours and yours will not be anything like mine. Our paths are tainted by our own soul’s learnings and lessons. We come here to relearn ourselves to some extent, nothing is given to us that we cannot handle, even if it may seem absolutely painstakingly horrible and hard sometimes, there is always beauty in the darkness if we hold our heart for a moment and unravel what sits before us.

In my eyes, as I always say, no one is ever too far gone. It is in your willingness to travel within to these parts of yourself that will yield more growth than you could ever fathom. The issue is casting the mind aside for one moment and sitting with self. We rarely give ourselves a chance to let ourselves breathe let alone venture into the depths of who we are – I, myself, have been afraid at times too, but what I have realised is, the more I gave my breath a chance to go deeper into my heart and into my body, I began to find many other beautiful aspects of myself. The fear, merely an illusion, merely trapped parts of light that I had left behind in moments of despair.

I say, trust your journey, be willing, be kind and hold heart. Give yourself a chance, nothing is out of our reach if we are willing to turn inwards to ourselves and just simply, be. I hold hope and faith in every person I see and maybe that is all we need sometimes, when we cannot hold the torch ourselves, someone can assist in reigniting it for us, so we may begin to find our way home again.

Formlessly whole.

When the guidance of the heart radiates outwards, no one is able to intervene with its purity or its potency. When you work from this place, you work from depths beyond measurable. You cannot measure a feeling, measurement is linear and a thought form is linear, but a feeling, the heart, is immeasurable. It is never ending, forever expressing and unconditional.

When you drop into this space, you meet your own love, you meet your truth, you meet your purpose so deliberately that there is no doubt in your outward expression. You trust, you move forwards on your path with every step in solidity. The inward vision is forcefully strong. There’s no diversion from your inner knowing. The outer parts may lack awareness, your surroundings, your lower ego-based self may grapple at comparison, judgement, linger to pain that is unfounded, but the inner path is forever strong, guiding you through all the illusionary projections.

You are the beauty of your heart expressed through your life’s dance in a physical body. You are not your thoughts and therefore you are not who you ‘think’ you are, but rather who you truthfully ‘feel’ you are. If you are able to pass through the obstacles the mind projects and find way to the clarity of your heart, shift takes place. Emotional and physical pains begin to dissolve and you shift energetically eons each time. Layers lift, you become closer to you.

In order to take this journey, change is inevitable on all fronts. Life, friends, careers, romantic relationships, locations of living, they change and this is why so many never begin the journey or decide to stagnate half way through. It is confronting but once you begin to love the parts you left behind, once you work through your pain, it is something immeasurably beautiful. It is something that cannot be given to you, it is something that can never be purchased, it is something you can only attain by embarking on you.

The inward journey, which shifts so much, cannot stagnate in the outer journey. Once you begin the shift within, it is a continual unfoldment of awakening and a beauty which I cannot express to you, it is only one you can experience for yourself, it is only one you can experience by embarking on who you feel you are, not who you thought you were.

This world within us, is beyond anything you will ever understand, for you cannot, you can only feel your way inwards and then begin to express this beauty in the world and that beauty, is you. It is you in your most destined, most holistic form, which is you without form, it is formlessly whole. This is you.

Permission to feel.

Someone asked me the other evening, "What makes you happy, what are you passionate about?", my response was, "Making other people happy, allowing them to revisit their heart space". Even sitting with that question, I found myself without thought and just a sheer feeling of my own soul. How can you describe a feeling? For then, it becomes a thought. Feeling into something is intensely more beautiful. I feel, I make myself happy. Nothing around me can do this, but simply myself. Something may ignite a sense of my own happiness, but to attain complete happiness, we must step back within ourselves. To our own source point. It is always within us.

My work allows people to access these beautiful parts of themselves, which is the totality of who they are. All we require is to revisit ourselves in order to activate a part of us that may be laying dormant. This enables us to realise what greatness we herald. How beautiful, empowering and liberating to know that nothing around us is in control, we control it all. Yes, emotions can be heavy, propelling and vastly painful at times, but by working through them and coming back into yourself, you'll release aspects of you that you've carried for eons. Now, setting yourself free from your own mind based shackles, you can move forwards, carrying only the beauty of your soul.

You can use any outlet you wish to move upon the soul, but be prepared to embark its depths first. No mud, no lotus. This is truth. There is no light without dark, all is valid and all does shift. Growth happens in peaks and troughs, not in humble, subtle movements. Growth of the soul, embarking on the soul is a courageous, deliberate and beautiful journey. The dark gets drenched in the light and in each moment, you only ever come to unveil even more beautiful aspects of yourself. No externals, no buffers to support this, you begin supporting yourself in many ways. 

So, take it back to you, "What makes you happy, what are you passionate about?". Access that part of you, give yourself permission to feel. Give yourself permission to understand what is in the depths of your heart, what drives your soul to immeasurable amounts of internal happiness.

It is there, you needn't go far, you just need to go within.